A Great Book

     A blog post from Happiness-project.com. It's about the idea behind the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk which in my opinion is the best parenting book of all time. I had been thinking about this same concept over the last few days because I've been noticing how whenever my four year old son comes to me to complain about his seven year old sister bothering him the most effective reaction from me is just to listen to him. I listen and tell him that must have made you feel (however he's feeling) and he goes away happy. The whole notion of invalidating others feelings when we watch for it is incredible. You just suddenly realize how often you do it. The natural reaction is: "You shouldn't feel bad".......

 

 

Bad parenting: back from the brink

This morning I almost made a classic bad-parenting move: denying a bad feeling.

We began the day at 6:30 a.m. with the Big Girl claiming, “No one’s paying attention to me. Everyone pays more attention to the Baby. Even when she’s ripping my book or pulling my hair, no one cares.”

This is absurd, and I started to snap back with the usual, “She’s too little to know what she’s doing, and how can you say no one’s paying attention to you? We played eight games of Uno yesterday,” etc., etc.

Just in time, I remembered the principle I’d recently re-read in the greatest parenting books of all time, Faber and Mazlish’s How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (It’s a parenting book but the principles apply equally well to dealing with other adults.)

They say: Don’t refuse to acknowledge someone’s feelings of anger, irritation, or reluctance; instead, name the feeling and articulate the other person’s point of view.  This is much harder to do than it sounds, because the urge to correct a bad feeling is very strong: “you can’t be hungry,” “you love Tae Kwon Do,” “you always have fun at parties.”

But I gave it a shot. “You wish people would pay more attention to you? You’re feeling neglected?” She nodded.

“Come here,” I said, “let me give you a big hug.”

As simple as it was, that did the trick. And the nice thing about this approach was that not only did it work, I felt nice doing it, while that other kind of arguing puts me in a bad mood.