Mentors, change , being afraid of ?

I received a message today from someone I went to high school with and it got me thinking about change. It's interesting how some of us seem to change more than others. I got an e-mail once from a friend whose insights I respect and who has known me for a long time. In the e-mail he talked about how much I have changed over the years and how I seem to constantly re-invent myself. He said that I have a gift for change. My response was along the lines of it more being about having found a useful strategy for accomplishing change. As I explained to him I essentially find someone I know who embodies the skill(s) that I want to emulate and I copy them. Then it's like a great quote I heard once: "The more we behave in certain ways the more that behaviour comes to define us, not only to others but to ourselves". I have always been someone who bought into the idea that there is something we can learn from everyone. For example there is a member of management at my work who isn't very popular. However every time I talk to him I walk away wanting to emulate one thing he does very well. He speaks slowly and clearly thinks about what he is saying before he says it. It is a very admirable trait and one that would fix some of the rough edges of my personality (and I'm sure I'm not the only one).
Cruising the net looking for wisdom tonight I came across this at sourcesofinsight.com:

Mentors Are The Short Cuts

One of the most effective ways I’ve found to save a lot of time and energy is using mentors. While nothing replaces experience, mentors can help guide you to the right experiences and avoid some unnecessary experiences. They can also help you make meaning from the experiences you have, by providing a new lens or vantage point. They can also help you find the most effective path through a problem. A good mentor can also help tailor information to make it more relevant for you. It’s one thing to see good ideas in a book, it’s another to have somebody who can take you through the ideas in a way that resonates for you.

Key Points
Here are some key points:

• Mentors are all around you. Imagine if everybody you know, has one great thing to teach you.
• Find people with results. You can’t argue with results.
• Ask better questions. If you’re not getting the information you need, try asking deeper questions. One simple question to ask is, “who’s the right person to ask for advice on this?”
• Think in terms of motivation, skills, and feedback. Sometimes, you might just need somebody who helps you find your motivation. Other times, you actually need hard-core skills or techniques. Sometimes, you just need more actionable feedback. Sometimes, you need it all. Know what you need to find the right mentors.

This article got me thinking about how our fears of rejection hold us back. I know I made a bit of a leap there so let me explain. I've recently gotten to know a man who has a lot of the skills I am trying to develop and who has done some of the things in life that I hope to accomplish. When we have been at the same functions etc. I have tended to monopolize his time and pick his brain. Being considerably older than me I imagine he enjoys it as we all know that our society doesn't value the wisdom of our elders as it should. That being said I often think about asking him if we could get together for coffee, beer etc. so I can absorb some of what I think he has to offer. However there is where our natural fears seem to come into play and I don't. I like to think I'm pretty self-aware and I suspect that the man would be pleased if I approached him looking for advice. That being said I would still feel uncomfortable doing that. Our society has created a very unhealthy fear of rejection in us I think. I've often thought of this same concept about the single people throughout our society and the relationships that never happen. I think most of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to realize that there are going to be some people who are attracted to us and some who aren't. Why then do we harbour all sorts of secret feelings and have such a fear of rejection that we are afraid to reveal to someone that we are interested in them? Why are we incapable of just chalking that person up to one who isn't interested if it doesn't go the way we hoped? Instead we assume they aren't interested and move along with our lives having let the opportunity slip past. Or we convince ourselves there was some small chance and we let it go in order to save our ego from any chance of rejection. How many unhappy people are there in the world because of this? It's a somewhat strange phenomenon but it seems to be worsening not improving. Perhaps social media is the answer....it's always easier to be bolder via electronic message than in person so maybe this can be a small part of the solution.

The Wolf You Feed

One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all. One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, greed, and arrogance. The other is Good - It is peace, love, hope, humility, compassion, and faith.”he grandson thought about this for a while and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” To which the old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

To me this really gets to the heart of it all. One thing I struggle with in trying to lead a life of integrity is all the contradictions. Every small mistake or wrong action. Are we allowed some level of vice? I guess it all depends on whether it hurts others. Whenever anyone I know questions whether they are a good person or a good parent etc. I think they are on the way to winning the battle. Caring about whether you're doing the right thing is the first step. I found where I really turned the corner was when I started considering the wisdom behind the sayings about living your life as if it will be on the news or in the newspaper. When I started considering that I realized how often I do things I would be embarrassed about. Yelling at one of my children, nitpicking at my wife. I'm not perfect but hopefully I have gotten a lot better after seeing the light......

12 Practices for Improving Likeability

From Sourcesofinsight.com:

In my previous post, Likeability is a Skill, we learned that likeability is something you can work at and invest in, just like working out. We also learned that improving your likeability, improves your quality of life. Now it’s time to turn that into action. Great, so how do we get going? …

In the book, The Likeability Factor: How to Boost Your L-Factor and Achieve Your Life’s Dreams , Tim Sanders shows us how to improve our likeability by working on 12 key practices.

The 4 Likeability Factors
According to Tim, the 4 factors of likeability are:

• Friendliness
• Relevance
• Empathy
• Realness

12 Practices for Improving Likeability
The following table summarizes 12 practices you can work on to improve your likeability, according to Tim:

Category	Key Practices
Friendliness	Observe No Unfriendliness. Develop a Friendly Mind-set. Communicate Friendliness.
Relevance	Increase Your Frequent Contact Circle. Connect with Other’s Interests. Connect with Other’s Wants and Needs.
Empathy	Show an Interest in How Others Feel. Experience Other’s Feelings. Respond to Other’s Feelings.
Realness	Be True to Yourself. Be True to Others. Share Your Realness.

I’m finding that it’s a healthy set of practices. It’s an interesting blend of staying connected to others, while being your best version of yourself. It’s about finding common ground, and focusing on that, as well as building bridges, rather than starting from differences or focusing on flaws. At the same time, the key is keeping it real and being true to you. It’s not about being fake or people pleasing … it’s about genuine connection.

Ten Powerful Success Strategies by Craig Harper

If you’re serious about creating lasting and significant change in your world – as opposed to merely thinking and talking about it for another year – there are a few things you might want to do in order to help make those intentions a reality…

1. Know what success is. If you don’t know what success is (for you), how can you possibly create it? Success is different things for different people and one person’s success (a pregnancy for example) might be another person’s catastrophe. That’s because success (or failure) is not so much about the situation, circumstance, event or outcome as it is about what that “thing” means to the person in the middle of it. In order to create success, you must first define it – and far too many people haven’t. Be very clear about what you want and don’t want for your life. Clarity produces excitement. Excitement produces momentum. Momentum produces behavioural change. Behavioural change produces different results and eventually, the internal vision becomes an external reality. Giddy-up.

2. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Some people will live a life of second-best, of compromise and of under-achievement simply because they are (1) controlled by fear (2) always looking for the magic pill or shortcut and (3) not prepared to do the tough stuff. People who always take the easy option are destined for mediocrity. At best. Constantly avoiding the discomfort means constantly avoiding the lessons and the personal growth. Pain is a great teacher. Not always what we want, but sometimes what we need.

3. Seek to be righteous, not right. The need to be “right” speaks of arrogance, insecurity, ego and stupidity. It’s also synonymous with failure. The person who constantly needs to be right will miss out on much of what life has to teach him and alienate himself from others. Arrogance repels, humility attracts.

4. Seek respect, not popularity. It’s been said that our nature is “who we are” and our reputation is who people think we are. When the two are synonymous, we’re usually on the right path.

5. Embrace mess. To embrace mess is to embrace life because life is messy, unpredictable, unfair, uncertain, lumpy and bumpy. So get used to a little chaos. Embrace it even. While others succumb to the messiness and unpredictability of the human experience, make a conscious choice to be the calm in the chaos.

6. Don’t become your parents. Or your boss. Or anyone but you. The enormity of conformity is a problem for the wanna-be success story. Sure, your parents are great and by all means respect them, love them and learn from them, but please don’t become them; that’s just plain ugly and a little bit tragic. Listen to, and learn from other people, but think, act and decide for yourself. And no, you don’t need anyone’s approval or permission; you’re big now. It’s okay.

7. Use more of what you already have. Imagine what you could achieve if you took all the knowledge, intelligence, opportunities, time, skill and talent that you currently have and absolutely milked it. What if you already have more than enough talent to become wildly successful? Well, you do. There go the excuses. And that voice that’s telling (some of) you right now that you don’t have what it takes to become successful, that’s called fear. Not logic, fear. Not reality, fear. Unless of course, you allow that to become your reality. Be mindful that the voice in your head (the very loud, annoying and persistent one) is rarely a reflection of your potential and mostly a manifestation of your insecurity. And no, you’re not alone in your self-doubt; it’s a universal condition. Many people fail, not because they don’t have what it takes, but because they don’t use what they already have. Successful people typically don’t have more innate potential, luck, time or opportunity than the next person, but they consistently find a way to use much more of what they have at their disposal. While the majority are rationalising their lack of decision making and action taking, these guys are finding a way to get the job done. The question is not “how much ability do you have, but how much will you use?”.

8. Be an innovator, not an imitator. Not too many sheep succeed. Baaah. Sometimes it’s a good idea to build your own team rather than join someone else’s. Don’t let your fear stand in the way of your potential to create, innovate or lead. When I set up Australia’s first commercial personal training centre, most people told me it wouldn’t work. Glad I didn’t listen.

9. Do what most won’t. If you want to achieve what most people won’t (happiness, joy, calm, wealth, optimal health, balance) then don’t do what they do. If you want to be like the majority, then do what they do. Producing different results comes from doing different things. Simple really. And effective. Most people won’t persevere, won’t finish what they start, won’t find the good, won’t do what it takes, won’t question their long-held beliefs, won’t be solution-focused, won’t do what scares them and won’t “be the change” they want to see in their world. Choose to be different.

10. Be like water. Powerful. Gentle. Adaptable. Ever-changing. Being static in a dynamic world – like the one you and I inhabit – is a recipe for disaster. If you can’t adapt, you can’t succeed. Our practical, three dimensional reality, and everything in it, is in a constant state of transition, while some of us are in a constant state of “same”. Statues don’t succeed, they just get crapped on.

Watch out for the pigeons.

You can read the author's blog at http://www.craigharper.com.au/

20 Things I'm Glad Life Taught Me from Dumblittleman.com

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/02/20-things-im-glad-life-taught-me.html

20 Things I'm Glad Life Taught Me

How many times have you heard someone say, "Hindsight is always 20/20"? If you are like me, you hear it a lot and think it a lot more. Last year Jay wrote an article listing things he wished he'd known earlier. It got me thinking that the most crucial lessons in life and success aren't taught in books or written on blogs, but they are found by living life itself.

Sure, there may be nuggets of wisdom that we pick up from Dumb Little Man, Zen Habits, or Life Remix, but it is up to us individually to act upon them and learn the lessons. If it takes a failure for us to learn something important, so be it.

Here are 20 things that I personally came to understand and believe in. Your 20 could be totally different. Perhaps you only have 5, it doesn't matter. The key is that you learn from your life, your failures and your successes. Neglect any one of those and you are taking a rocky road to learning and personal development.

1. You must create and look for opportunities: Opportunities rarely ever come knocking on the door of someone who's not seeking them. You have to create and seek opportunities for yourself. You have to take the initiative to get the ball rolling and the doors opening.
   


2. Negativity will only bring more of it: When you focus only on negativity, obviously that's all you will see. You will not seek out positivity, and even when positivity comes into your life, you'll look for the negative part of it.
   


3. Where you are does not determine where you can go: It doesn't matter if you're homeless or living in a mansion, poor or rich, or if you have a 4.0 grade point average or "failing", it won't make any difference in the future. There are countless rags to riches stories to back this point up. If you have the drive and talents, you can go anywhere. You create your own limitations and horizon.
   


4. If you can't help others, you can't help yourself: Even if it's just to hold the door for someone or some other simple gesture, it will do wonders for your life. You'll feel great and you'll eventually be returned the favor sometime during your life, whether you realize it or not. If you don't want to help others, then others won't want to help you, and nor should they.
   


5. Follow your passion, money will follow: If you have passion and have fun doing your job, then I wouldn't consider it a job. You can focus on creating even more passion for that subject and money will eventually follow you. If you focus only on the money, it won't come because you're focused on the quantity of your work and not the quality.
   


6. Enjoy yourself: Have fun as much as possible, don't take everything so seriously. Push your worries aside and bring enjoyment closer.
   


7. If it were easy everyone would do it: This is why get rich quick schemes will never be true. If it was so quick and easy then everyone would be millionaires. Making money and accomplishing tasks is hard work, but well worth it.
   


8. Planning is good but so is being spontaneous: Planning ahead in business and in life is important but so is being able to quickly change that plan. Various people and events will get in the way of your plans, so you have to be able to modify or forget your plans at times. Be spontaneous once and awhile, it makes life interesting.
   


9. You have many talents: You may be a talented athlete or musician but you probably have ten more talents you don't even know about. When people find something they're good at, they only focus on that instead of seeing what else they can do.
   


10. Don't work hard without rewards: What's the point of working hard to follow your dreams if you aren't going to treat yourself along the way. Each little or big goal you accomplish should be rewarded with a proportionate treat, maybe a day off or a big slice of cake.
    


11. Money does bring happiness: As I said, you shouldn't be chasing money but when you do earn it, you know you've been accomplishing something. It feels great and brings you happiness because you know you'll have more freedom and time to do what you want.
    


12. Someone always has it worse: At times you may be having a bad day, but stop yourself and think about it; there has to be millions of other people are having a worse day than you.
    


13. You'll need others: Make as many friends as you possibly can and never burn bridges. You will need others for your success.
    


14. Being open-minded is the key to more knowledge: If you want to know more about the world you have to be open-minded. Give everything a chance.
    


15. Failure is great: One of the most important, if not the most important steps to success is failure. You have to fail at least once, but it's better if you've failed multiple times. You can learn so much more from your failures than you could any other way. And when you finally achieve success, you'll appreciate it so much more.
    


16. Most people are actually nice: This is something I've only recently realized. Most people are nice, but not usually to strangers. Once they get to know you and you get to know them, they will most likely seem like very nice people.
    


17. Words and thoughts control everything: What you say and think will ultimately become reality. If you say you're going to fail, then you will because you'll find a way to make it happen. If you say you're going to succeed, the same will happen, you'll find a way.
    


18. Your view is the reality: How you see an event or situation is how it exists. If you see something as tragic and negative then that's what it means to you. If you see something as exciting and positive, then that's what it is.
    


19. Inspiration and motivation are everywhere: I don't care where you are, there is something there that can motivate and inspire you. You can be at war is some far away country, in horrible conditions, but there will be something there to keep you going and strive for something better. You just have to recognize it and keep it with you.
    


20. You can change the world: Every single person has the ability to change the world whether directly or indirectly. When you change your life and the lives of those around you, you've changed the world. Small things that you do can make a huge impact on the world.

Written on 2/13/2008 by Andrew Galasetti of Lyved. Republished on 7/12/09.

Photo Credit: suburbanbloke

Look around you

Just read an interesting post on Christine Kane's blog. Her friend who has a daughter with cancer wrote her a letter that included the following:
"The outpatient clinic is a new experience for us but is a good opportunity to see other families and their children who are in different stages of this process. I was reminded of some advice that I was given when Kurt and I were in South Africa years ago. A friend told me: “If you start to feel homesick, remember, don’t look back at what you had, but rather look around.” Looking around the 4th floor of Children’s Hospital allows me to appreciate where we are and not pine for where we were a few months ago. It is with that attitude that we try to gear up for our inevitable return to the hospital."
I saw this video yesterday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc. I think these two items really speak to the source of so much of our unhappiness. A lot of us have lost the ability to live in the moment and enjoy what we have. I'm a huge believer in the idea that there is no better than here. Once you get there it will become here and then you will find another there that you want to get to. As Wayne Dyer says: Stop the chase and be a witness. I've seen a couple of different versions of this quote: All mankind's unhappiness derives from one thing: his inability to know how to be alone. I've also seen it with be still. The Buddhist's say that letting go of I is the key to happiness. The bottom line is live the moment. When you are in the park with your kids on a beautiful night there isn't anything else. This moment is not going to be better if you have a different job, house or spouse. When you're old and living in memories it will be this moment that mattered not all the other petty nonsense. The quote from the child's mother sums it up. It isn't about what you are trying to get or what you had before. It's about what you have now. Enjoy it.

Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die book review by Jerry Lopper

The below book review is from Jerry Lopper on Suite101.com

Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die reveals the recipe for living happily and dying well. Izzo, author of Second Innocence, compiled interviews of over 200 people over the age of 59, looking for common threads and themes for how to live so that one could die happy.

Izzo and his team asked over fifteen thousand people to recommend "wise elders," those who might have the answers to finding happiness and living wisely. Of the one thousand nominated, Izzo's team focused on a diverse group of 235 people from all over North America.
Meaning, Purpose, and Regret

Izzo found that the two things humans want most are to find joy and contentment (happiness), while living a full life with meaning (life purpose).

The greatest fear expressed was not the fear of death, but the fear of dying with regrets about life.
The Five Secrets

Izzo chose the word secret to describe the five common themes for living wisely not because they are unknown, but because so few people apply them to their own lives.
Live Life's Purpose

The first secret is Be True to Yourself. Another way to state this is to find your life purpose and live it. Izzo found that people facing death with anger and bitterness were likely to be harboring regrets about their lives. Those who were true to themselves and life purpose were more peaceful and serene about the natural end of the life cycle.

Leave No Regrets
The second secret Izzo learned is to Leave No Regrets. "One of the most interesting things I discovered ... is that almost no one regretted risks they took that did not work out and most said they wished they had risked more." Izzo advises that we move toward what we want rather than moving away from what we fear.

Choose Unconditional Love
Become Love is the third secret. Izzo's description of becoming love is the act of choosing to love others and to act with love in all situations. This is also known as unconditional love. He found that "the greatest source of happiness for people and the largest place of regret had to do with people."
Stop Judging Start Living

The fourth secret is to Live the Moment. The interviewees commonly reflected on how fast life goes by and how important it is to enjoy each moment. One woman said, "You have to stop judging your life and start living your life. Stop keeping score trying to decide if you are winning. Instead live each day fully and stay in the moment."

Several wise elders revealed how they start each day with a prayer of gratitude for the opportunity to live that day, and end the day with thanks and appreciation for the day's experiences.
Be of Service

The fifth and final secret is to Give More Than You Take. Izzo indicates, "When I asked people what gave their life the greatest meaning, people told me again and again that being of service and knowing that you made things better because you were here was by far the greatest source of meaning."
The Wisdom of Elders

None of the secrets are new revelations, but learning the tenets of living that these people, all viewed as wise by those who know them, embraced is a valuable handbook enabling those early in their lives to benefit from the wisdom and experience of those who have gone before.

National Fatherhood Initiative Commercials

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kshtnYPZMbM&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63U9MZ1EZ4o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU60QH4YJs8&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjYP1szJXv0&feature=related

10 Ways To Be A Better Dad

A great article I found online from the National Fatherhood Initiative.

Ten Ways to be a Better Dad

Respect Your Children's Mother
One of the best things a father can do for his children is to respect their mother. If you are married, keep your marriage strong and vital. If you're not married, it is still important to respect and support the mother of your children. A father and mother who respect each other, and let their children know it, provide a secure environment for them. When children see their parents respecting each other, they are more likely to feel that they are also accepted and respected.


Spend Time with Your Children
How a father spends his time tells his children what's important to him. If you always seem to busy for your children, they will feel neglected no matter what you say. Treasuring children often means sacrificing other things, but it is essential to spend time with your children. Kids grow up so quickly. Missed opportunities are forever lost.


Earn the Right to Be Heard
All too often the only time a father speaks to his children is when they have done something wrong. That's why so many children cringe when their mother says, "Your father wants to talk with you." Begin talking with your kids when they are very young so that difficult subjects will be easier to handle as they get older. Take time and listen to their ideas and problems.


Discipline with Love
All children need guidance and discipline, not as punishment, but to set reasonable limits. Remind your children of the consequences of their actions and provide meaningful rewards for desirable behavior. Fathers who discipline in a calm and fair manner show love for their children.


Be a Role Model
Fathers are role models to their kids whether they realize it or not. A girl who spends time with a loving father grows up knowing she deserves to be treated with respect by boys, and what to look for in a husband. Fathers can teach sons what is important in life by demonstrating honesty, humility and responsibility. "All the world's a stage..." and a father plays one of the most vital roles.


Be a Teacher
Too many fathers think teaching is something others do. But a father who teaches his children about right and wrong, and encourages them to do their best, will see his children make good choices. Involved fathers use everyday examples to help their children learn the basic lessons of life.


Eat Together as a Family
Sharing a meal together (breakfast, lunch or dinner) can be an important part of healthy family life. In addition to providing some structure in a busy day, it gives kids the chance to talk about what they are doing and want to do. It is also a good time for fathers to listen and give advice. Most importantly, it is a time for families to be together each day.


Read to Your Children
In a world where television often dominates the lives of children, it is important that fathers make the effort to read to their children. Children learn best by doing and reading, as well as seeing and hearing. Begin reading to your children when they are very young. When they are older encourage them to read on their own. Instilling your children with a love for reading is one of the best ways to ensure they will have a lifetime of personal and career growth.


Show Affection
Children need the security that comes from knowing they are wanted, accepted and loved by their family. Parents, especially fathers, need to feel both comfortable and willing to hug their children. Showing affection everyday is the best way to let your children know that you love them.


Realize that a Father's Job Is Never Done
Even after children are grown and ready to leave home, they will still look to their fathers for wisdom and advice. Whether it's continued schooling, a new job or a wedding, fathers continue to play an essential part in the lives of their children as they grow and, perhaps, marry and build their own families.

Words to Live By

Our attention is always captured by phrases like "words to live by". Here is a set of those words dating back approximately 270 years. Amazing how they are still relevant.

Benjamin Franklin's Thirteen Virtues
“bold and arduous Project for arriving at moral Perfection”

1. TEMPERANCE: Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. SILENCE: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. ORDER: Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. RESOLUTION: Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. FRUGALITY: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. INDUSTRY: Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary
actions.
7. SINCERITY: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak
accordingly.
8. JUSTICE: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. MODERATION: Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. CLEANLINESS: Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
11. TRANQUILLITY: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. CHASTITY: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the
injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
13. HUMILITY: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.