Proust Quote on Wisdom

We don't receive wisdom. We must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. Proust

Music and Life Video

Cool video. Happiness is the journey not the destination.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERbvKrH-GC4

Great Parenting Article

Here is an article on parenting that I found on zenhabits.net entitled How to Let Go of Hyperparenting and Learn to Relax:

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” - C.G. Jung

Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.

If you’re a hyperparent, you might not even know it — we parents tend to be in denial about that sort of thing.

But if you are, you might want to learn to relax — for your kids’ sake, and for yours.

Hyperparents are spotted when they are trying to educate their child from the womb, and expose them to the most intellectually stimulating music and art and literature before the kid can crawl. They obsess over everything, from whether the child is learning fast enough to how safe every single thing is to every little scrape and bruise. They are overprotective, overbearing, overwhelming to the child.

I admit, I was a hyperparent once, and still can be sometimes. It’s a habit I’m trying to break, with some success.

And for those of you who are hyperparents, and will admit it if only to yourselves, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned, in hopes that it’ll help.

Be forewarned that some of these suggestions take a very different approach to parenting than the traditional methods — I’m not suggesting everyone follow them, especially if you’re not willing to break with traditions. What I am suggesting is that these methods will help you relax, will help your child feel freer and less controlled and more able to explore and learn on her own, and could possibly result in a better relationship with your child and a happier child overall. I don’t have proof of that yet, but I have a strong hunch based on how my kids react when I do these things right.

1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them. Instead of scolding or spanking or time outs or other controlling methods, try love. It’s a much better response, and you’re teaching your child through your actions rather than your words.

2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness, treat them with respect. Seems simple, but it’s surprising how little respect we give to kids, because they’re kids.

3. Drop your expectations of the child. Often parents have high hopes of the child doing well academically, or in sports, or of becoming a professional, when that’s not what the child wants. Or the parent hopes the child will be a certain type of person, and tries to steer the child toward that — a mild, kind child, or a bright, cheerful child, or a studious, hard-working child — but that’s not who the child is. Drop these expectations, and celebrate the child, as she is.

4. Let her play, let her explore. Stop being so overprotective. Allow the kid to be a kid. Let her run around outside, ride a bike, explore nature, play with fire. Teach her, of course, about safety and dangers, but let her be a kid.

5. Say yes, or some version of yes. Instead of saying no. Often parents have an instinct to say no. But this is controlling and stressful, to both child and parent. Stop trying to control the child, and give him some freedom. That doesn’t mean you can say yes all the time, because you have needs too, but it does mean you can say “Yes, we can do that … but perhaps later, when I’m done with what I have to do now.”

6. Stop trying to overeducate, and get out of the way. Parents try to impart all kinds of knowledge on kids. So do schools. But kids learn naturally, without us. Get out of the way, stop trying to force the kid to learn what you think he needs to learn. Encourage him to explore, and read, and figure stuff out. Get him excited about things. When he’s excited about something, he’ll learn. When you force it on him, he’ll do what he’s forced to do, but not learn much other than you’re controlling.

7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive. Many of these changes are difficult to make for parents, as we have deeply ingrained habits, stemming from our own childhood. So just focus on the next interaction. Just try to make the next one a good one. Don’t worry about when you screw up — just apologize if you’ve broken a trust, and move on.

8. Take a moment to pause, and see things from your child’s perspective. If you get angry, it’s because you’re only seeing things from your perspective. The child has a completely different view of things, and if you can understand that view, you won’t be mad at the child. You’ll try to make things better for her.

9. If the kid is “acting up”, try to figure out why, and meet that need. Often it’s a need for freedom, or attention, or love, or to be in control of his own life. Figure out what that need is, and find a more productive way to meet it.

10. The kid is already perfect as he is. You don’t need to change him. You don’t need to mold him into the perfect person. He’s already perfect, just as he is.

And now, relax. Enjoy every moment with your child, because they are too few, too impermanent. Trust me — my oldest daughter is 16, and I can’t believe how fast her childhood has come and gone. Cherish this time with them, and make every moment a good one. You’ll never regret those moments of happiness, those moments when you said yes, when you let your child play, when you stopped controlling and started loving.

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” - Red Buttons

Makesmethink.com

I found this website called makesmethink.com. Pretty self-explanatory but it's user posts. Here are a few I received via their daily e-mail in the last couple of days that I liked:

• Today, I met a powerful businessman who is worth 100 million dollars. In conversation he told me he regretted never making it to his son’s hockey games or his daughter’s dance recitals. It made me smile because my dad is probably only worth as much as this man’s last paycheck, but he made it to everything. MMT
• Today, I met an 85 year old woman who lives at the other end of my neighborhood. I complained about how bumpy and pot hole covered our roads are. She said, "Well I don't know, I think the roads are nice. When I was a little girl, these roads were all dirt roads." MMT
• Today, I realized that some of the most interesting and insightful people in my life are the ones who made me think, "What a weirdo…" when I first met them. MMT
• Today, on my birthday, I received an envelope in the mail containing my wallet that I lost last week. All of my money and credit cards were still inside, and on my driver's license next to my address and birthday was a post-it note that said, "Happy Birthday!" There was no return address. MMT
• Today, I read an MMT story about a 40-year-old man jumping on the back of a shopping cart and taking a ride across the parking lot. It inspired me. So this afternoon, after I went shopping, that man was me! MMT
• Today, I watched as 3 giddy tourists jumped around, dancing and singing for 15 minutes with a live Mickey Mouse character at Disney World. These tourists were easily 70 years old. MMT
• Today, I received an email from my husband who is serving in the military overseas. He wrote, "I don't miss you. I miss you and me together." I never heard it phrased that way before. But I know exactly how he feels. MMT
• Today, my friend Jason died in a car accident because he wasn't wearing his seat belt. His girlfriend who was sitting in the passenger seat informed the police that Jason had taken off his seat belt about 30 seconds before the accident so he could reach something in the back seat. MMT
• Today, while I was in line at an ice cream shop, this weird looking guy in front of me started talking to me. I decided to be friendly and chat back. Then he paid for his ice cream and left. A minute later, when I tried to pay for mine, the cashier said, "The guy in front of you paid for yours too." MMT
• Today, I had to go to a funeral for a 26 year old coworker of mine who had a stroke at work this week and was pronounced dead at the scene. He and his widow just got married last year, just bought a house last month, and just had a beautiful baby boy last week. And then just like that… he was gone. MMT

Quote

The secret to a great life is recognizing that life was never intended to be fair. Life simply isn't "fair," and that's okay. The joy of life comes from playing the game of life as best we can, focusing far more on the love and good example we can contribute to other lives than on demanding money, stuff, love, or appreciation. Service becomes a source of joy when it is not viewed as a duty.

Mentors, change , being afraid of ?

I received a message today from someone I went to high school with and it got me thinking about change. It's interesting how some of us seem to change more than others. I got an e-mail once from a friend whose insights I respect and who has known me for a long time. In the e-mail he talked about how much I have changed over the years and how I seem to constantly re-invent myself. He said that I have a gift for change. My response was along the lines of it more being about having found a useful strategy for accomplishing change. As I explained to him I essentially find someone I know who embodies the skill(s) that I want to emulate and I copy them. Then it's like a great quote I heard once: "The more we behave in certain ways the more that behaviour comes to define us, not only to others but to ourselves". I have always been someone who bought into the idea that there is something we can learn from everyone. For example there is a member of management at my work who isn't very popular. However every time I talk to him I walk away wanting to emulate one thing he does very well. He speaks slowly and clearly thinks about what he is saying before he says it. It is a very admirable trait and one that would fix some of the rough edges of my personality (and I'm sure I'm not the only one).
Cruising the net looking for wisdom tonight I came across this at sourcesofinsight.com:

Mentors Are The Short Cuts

One of the most effective ways I’ve found to save a lot of time and energy is using mentors. While nothing replaces experience, mentors can help guide you to the right experiences and avoid some unnecessary experiences. They can also help you make meaning from the experiences you have, by providing a new lens or vantage point. They can also help you find the most effective path through a problem. A good mentor can also help tailor information to make it more relevant for you. It’s one thing to see good ideas in a book, it’s another to have somebody who can take you through the ideas in a way that resonates for you.

Key Points
Here are some key points:

• Mentors are all around you. Imagine if everybody you know, has one great thing to teach you.
• Find people with results. You can’t argue with results.
• Ask better questions. If you’re not getting the information you need, try asking deeper questions. One simple question to ask is, “who’s the right person to ask for advice on this?”
• Think in terms of motivation, skills, and feedback. Sometimes, you might just need somebody who helps you find your motivation. Other times, you actually need hard-core skills or techniques. Sometimes, you just need more actionable feedback. Sometimes, you need it all. Know what you need to find the right mentors.

This article got me thinking about how our fears of rejection hold us back. I know I made a bit of a leap there so let me explain. I've recently gotten to know a man who has a lot of the skills I am trying to develop and who has done some of the things in life that I hope to accomplish. When we have been at the same functions etc. I have tended to monopolize his time and pick his brain. Being considerably older than me I imagine he enjoys it as we all know that our society doesn't value the wisdom of our elders as it should. That being said I often think about asking him if we could get together for coffee, beer etc. so I can absorb some of what I think he has to offer. However there is where our natural fears seem to come into play and I don't. I like to think I'm pretty self-aware and I suspect that the man would be pleased if I approached him looking for advice. That being said I would still feel uncomfortable doing that. Our society has created a very unhealthy fear of rejection in us I think. I've often thought of this same concept about the single people throughout our society and the relationships that never happen. I think most of us are comfortable enough with ourselves to realize that there are going to be some people who are attracted to us and some who aren't. Why then do we harbour all sorts of secret feelings and have such a fear of rejection that we are afraid to reveal to someone that we are interested in them? Why are we incapable of just chalking that person up to one who isn't interested if it doesn't go the way we hoped? Instead we assume they aren't interested and move along with our lives having let the opportunity slip past. Or we convince ourselves there was some small chance and we let it go in order to save our ego from any chance of rejection. How many unhappy people are there in the world because of this? It's a somewhat strange phenomenon but it seems to be worsening not improving. Perhaps social media is the answer....it's always easier to be bolder via electronic message than in person so maybe this can be a small part of the solution.

The Wolf You Feed

One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all. One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, greed, and arrogance. The other is Good - It is peace, love, hope, humility, compassion, and faith.”he grandson thought about this for a while and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” To which the old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

To me this really gets to the heart of it all. One thing I struggle with in trying to lead a life of integrity is all the contradictions. Every small mistake or wrong action. Are we allowed some level of vice? I guess it all depends on whether it hurts others. Whenever anyone I know questions whether they are a good person or a good parent etc. I think they are on the way to winning the battle. Caring about whether you're doing the right thing is the first step. I found where I really turned the corner was when I started considering the wisdom behind the sayings about living your life as if it will be on the news or in the newspaper. When I started considering that I realized how often I do things I would be embarrassed about. Yelling at one of my children, nitpicking at my wife. I'm not perfect but hopefully I have gotten a lot better after seeing the light......